Sound Medical Advice
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: In which Ren is frustrated with the fact that he's sexually frustrated, Horohoro is a few notches below genius, and we all learn that Faust VIII is not someone to go to with problems concerning one's love life. Puberty is so much fun, isn't it? [HoroxRen?


For Johann Faust VIII, life was pretty good. He had a steady job as the resident doctor for Funbari Onsen, provided by the vivacious Anna. He had good friends for the first time in his life, ones he trusted and on occasion even actually liked. And, of course, he once again had his lovely Eliza by his side- not exactly alive _per sé,_ but a minor technicality like that wasn't going to put a damper on their happiness. All in all, things couldn't be better.

It was gratifying to work under Yoh and Anna at Funbari. Eternally in their debt, to be able to service them in this way brought great satisfaction to Faust. Not to mention that with practically everyone he knew from the tournament working in the Onsen as well, (as Anna insisted she would not house freeloaders, even if they _were_ friends with nowhere else to go) the work itself could always be counted on to be interesting, if not not morbidly entertaining.

Ah, youth. How lovely it was to be budding with such energy, growing and learning as their bodies blossomed into adulthood. He was certainly glad he had made sure that the unusually high number of teenagers housed at the Onsen were aware that they could trust in him for council. He was a doctor, after all, and apparently one of the only adults any of them had contact with- so when any advice was needed, he made sure to make himself available.

On the rare occasion that someone **did **decide that professional opinion was warranted, he was always thoroughly amused. Oh- and it was good to help with the struggles of youth, too. Of course.

Faust smiled. God he loved this job. Kids these days could always be counted on for entertainment.

Like now, for instance. The first words out of young Tao Ren's mouth when he entered the office, after locking the door, that is, were to confirm absolute doctor-patient confidentiality. When confirming this, Faust decided to himself that this visit was going to end up being a lot of fun. Thus far he hadn't been proven wrong.

"I assure you, Ren, such feelings are perfectly normal."

"I'm not asking if they're normal, I already KNOW that- I just want to make them _stop."_

"I'm afraid that's not how it works. You can't just change your sexuality like that. In fact, you may not need to worry at all- you're young and confused, as all of us are at some point. This may just be something passing. Granted, I wouldn't count on that, but... You know, according to _The Kinsey Reports_ roughly thirty-seven percent of interviewed males reported some form of homosexual experience at one point in their lives, and another forty-six percent were shown to have reacted sexually to stimuli of both gender."

Ren twitched a little, and growled. "That doesn't matter! I don't want to _change_ it, I want to get rid of it all together! There has to be some way to stop this nonsense!"

Faust blinked. "So... Then Horohoro himself has nothing to with it, and you just want to rid yourself of sexual desires _all together?"_

"Exactly."

"I... See. Well, there's really no way to remove the sex drive- even castration can't eliminate desire, rather it only removes the means in which one can do anything _about_ it."

"Fine, then- is there some way to suppress it or something? Or at least get these damned hormones to shut up?"

"Well, there are medications that do that, but the results are unpredictable, and even if I could ignore the part where it is _highly_ unrecommended it probably wouldn't help anyway. Besides, with most medications with sexual side affects, they're just that- _side_ _effects._ And while it would be interesting to see how you react to Prozac, I'm not willing to take that kind of risk."

"So there's nothing? Nothing that will interfere with just hormones?"

"Well, there is technically something, but it's generally only taken by menstruating women"

"Can't I at least TRY?"

"I'm not putting you on birth control, Ren. I may take part in what others would deem questionable practices, but I'm still a professional. You're just going to have to learn to cope."

"God DAMMIT, do you have ANY idea how frustrating this is?!"

"What is? Being confused about your burgeoning sexuality?"

A fierce glare. "No,"

"Oh. Then, being sexually attracted to one of the few friends you have, when your relationship is already awkward enough as it is, plus with the added complication of you both being male?"

"Yeah. THAT."

"Not at all. I do have a wife, you know."

Ren let out a growl that could put Mic Jaguar to shame, but otherwise remained fairly calm. "So basically, you can't help at all, and it's been a complete waste of time coming here?"

"As you don't seem to want actual advice, it seems so." A heavy sigh. "You know, you're still young, and putting your hormones into such imbalance by compromising your sex drive is probably bad for your development, anyway." A smile, now, "Don't you want to grow up properly? After all, isn't that why you drink so much milk? So you can be big and strong? Why ruin it now?"

Ren twitched and clenched his fists, trembling in rage. In an incredible display of self-control, he only kicked out the door and stomped out, rather than pulling out his kwan-do as Faust had expected. Anger management must have been paying off, huh?

Well, that was settled for the time being.

As fun as Ren was, Faust was pleasantly surprised when only a few hours later, a flustered Horohoro came with a remarkably similar inquiry.

"Um, you're a doctor, right? So you could tell me if I was as fucked up as I'm starting to think I am?"

"Depending on one's definition of 'fucked up', yes. Care to elaborate?"

"Um, okay. Let's see, uh... I think I've lost my mind. I mean, _really_ crazy. Is there, like, a way you can check that sort of thing?"

"Not being a psychologist, no. On the other hand, having been declared legally insane by the German authorities, I do have some insight into the matter. What is it that makes you question your mental health?"

Horohoro turned a little red at this, and blustered around in his words for a while. "Well, uh... I don't really know how to say this... Um... I, uh... I'm... That is, I think... I...Shit."

"You think you're in love with Ren?"

Pure, unmasked surprise. And then panic. "WHAT?! How did you-? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

Faust blinked innocently. "Oh? Was I right? I was just guessing..."

Horohoro didn't seem to have quite recovered from his open-mouthed shock yet. "You _guessed_ that? How the hell did you _guess_ **right**?!"

"Ah, nevermind that. In in any case, why do you believe this makes you insane? It's been estimated that around ten percent of the population are homosexual, if that's what the problem is."

A resigned sigh. "No, it's not that. Besides, I'm not even completely gay anyway, so I don't really care. Well, alright, I can't say I don't _care_, the whole part where he's also a guy still freaks me out a little, but that's not the problem."

"Then...?"

"Because it's freakin' TAO REN, of all God damned people! I don't even LIKE the asshole!"

"Well, loves comes in mysterious ways. Are you familiar with the story of _Pride & Prejudice_?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, either way; love is blind, as they say. Besides, is it not safe to say you've always felt strongly about him, even when the feeling was contempt?"

"Uh, I guess so."

"Then is it not unreasonable for you to still feel strongly about him, but in a different manner? Now that you two are closer and you've found reasons not to hate him, perhaps the strength of the enmity you once harbored has simply reversed itself into affection?"

Horohoro blinked in a confused manner and looked thoughtful. "Uh... I guess that makes sense... I think."

"Then there you go! Perfectly reasonable. Any other questions?"

"I guess not. Except, you know, the part where I have no idea what to do now."

Oh, Faust could have fun with this. Should he, or shouldn't he?

He shouldn't. But would anyway. "You should try seducing him."

"...What?"

"Seduce him. You know, use your charms to win his attention."

"Are you completely NUTS? That would never work!"

"How do you know unless you try? I have faith in you. It's at least worth a shot, don't you think?"

"Even if I didn't value the the pride I'd lose with the inevitable rejection, I still value my LIMBS enough not to try!"

"Now, Horo Horo, you shouldn't be so pessimistic. You can win him over! I bet that behind all his rage, he's really just lonely. Maybe showing him that he's loved and valued will get him to open up."

"That sounds like complete and utter bullshit, doctor."

"Come now, I am a professional. Have some faith in me, and more importantly, in yourself! Just let Ren know he's wanted, and I'm sure that wall he's built around himself will crumble."

"I don't know..."

Still unconvinced. Not surprising, Faust didn't do 'inspiring optimism' as well as Yoh. Time for a change in tactics. "Well, do you have any other ideas? Bottling it up won't work- you'll only be hurting yourself. All it takes is a little courage- unless you don't even have enough of that to woo one little person."

"What?! Of course I do!"

"Really? You aren't scared? You really think you can _seduce_ Tao Ren?"

Indignant rage. A nerve struck, perhaps? "Of course I can! I swear on my pride as an Ainu warrior, I will make that bastard fall head over heels for me!"

And with that, Horohoro stormed out of Faust's office, his features set with grim determination. It would probably be a while until the feeling that he's been tricked will sink in. Probably right around the time Ren asks him what the hell he's thinking, and he realizes that the logic behind the idea doesn't actually make sense beyond "Faust made it seem like the thing to do at the_ time..._".

Well, maybe Faust was being a little bit cruel, but it would all work out fine in the end. Probably.

God, teenagers were fun to mess with.


End file.
